Check out that bump. Also, this picture makes the majumbos look way smaller than real life and me skinny overall. This is a misleading photo, but I really don't care. It will allow me to pretend that I was skinny a year from now when I'm putting pictures in the book.
So, story #1...READING IS FUNDAMENTAL or WHY I SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO BUY GROCERIES ANYMORE
Now, I know how to make marinara, and I'm always happier making it myself, but I was feeling lazy and didn't want to take the time when I was just making stuffed shells anyway. Caveats established, I go down the pasta aisle at the store to select a sauce in a jar.
Have you tried to buy sauce in a jar lately? There are 42,000 different kinds and they all claim to have fresh basil. You know that has to be a lie, because in real life, when you chiffonade fresh herbs they don't come out in perfect little squares. Still, extra basil is far preferable to me than "sausage and cheese" sauce. For one thing, I don't like sausage - it's made from pork, filled with MSG, and then stuffed in to emptied intestines. For another thing, I don't believe in meat in jars. There is something bloated and disgusting (re: dead) looking about it that makes me want to not eat it.
After sifting through the myriad of sauce choices and dry heaving at the prospect of eating shriveled monkey brains, I mean sauce sausage, I find right next to it 'extra sweet basil' and make my choice.
Until I open it when I get home. "What's that smell? That doesn't smell right!" (Super-human smelling strength - see also my trips on the CTA when I get sick from the smell of dirty strangers) So, what do I do when I think it smells funny? Rather than read the label, I take a taste. I mean, doesn't that make sense? When I am trying my hardest to avoid food poisoning, I take a taste of something that smells suspicious.
I BOUGHT THE SAUSAGE. I was grabbing for the basil, and somehow managed to get the sausage.
This wouldn't stand out as much of a story until I did the same thing with the toothpaste the other day. I SWEAR I grabbed the Aquafresh that comes out orange and white. I SWEAR I did. It's our favorite kind and I've been buying it for years.
Opened the box...put it in the medicine cabinet...walked away. Still nothing tipped me off...
Went to brush my teeth. The lid on the Aquafresh tube makes it so you can stand it up in the medicine cabinet. The lid on this toothpaste was a regular lid. "Huh, that's weird." Put it on my brush, and it was all white. "That's strange." Put it in my mouth and IT TASTED AWFUL. An apothecary's wet dream, this toothpaste was nothing short of "old school." Baking soda and salt? Who knows. I started making vomity sounds and rinsed and rinsed and rinsed. Nothing was taking the taste out of my mouth.
Zach asked me what all the commotion was about, and I said, "the toothpaste is terrible." "Yeah, I meant to ask you about that. Why did you change brands?" Arm and Hammer! ARM AND MOTHER GRUBBIN' HAMMER!?!? THAT ISN'T WHAT I BOUGHT.
Zach brought home normal toothpaste yesterday.
Story # 2, BURNING BABY RETINAS
Zach has an impressive collection of flashlights. I am not positive, but I think it's because he's convinced that the end of days is nigh, and when the Apocolypse comes, ComEd will be the first to go. Always having a flashlight on his person, Zach likes to whip one out and shine them in my eyes on a regular basis. I've explained a few times that this just serves to give me a migraine, but I think he thinks it's like a fun disco party and, hey, everyone likes a party!
We were hanging out one night, and he was talking to Fozz, and he gets out the flash light, "I'm going to give the baby some light."
I. Freaked. Out.
"YOU'LL BURN THE BABY'S RETINAS. YOU CAN'T DO THAT."
He giggled. Case closed.
Next day, "Just let me give Fozzie some light."
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? OUR BABY WILL BE BORN BLIND AND SOPHIE IS TOO OLD AND TOO NAUGHTY TO BE A WORTHY SEEING EYE DOG." (Yeah, geriatric Sophie still finds ways to be naughty on walks. Besides, she'd just lead Fozzie to the river, and Fozz wouldn't get anywhere all day.)
Fine fine. Next day rolls around, "So, now I'm going to give Fozzie some light."
"OUR BABY'S RETINAS..."
"Honey, look." He held up the flashlight to his hand to show me a faint red glow. "Do you really think by the time it goes through layers of skin and womb this tiny flashlight is really going to burn it's retinas?"
I paused to think. Honestly? Yes, I had thought that, and upon seeing the light against his hand, I felt pretty silly; however, to admit that? Yeah, I don't think so. Knowing that saying 'my stomach doesn't have hand bones to protect and difuse' I simply said, "well...I just don't wanna."
Yeah, that's airtight reasoning.
Story # 3, THE BABY DANCE
This isn't so much a story as much as it is a really great dance. I'll have to have Zach film it and we'll put up a video of it later. It's really great.
You didn't think I'd be pregnant for 9 months without coming up with a dance, did you?
ANYWAY...
Zach felt Fozzie move for the first time this weekend. It is really really exciting to be able to finally share some of this pregancy with him. We're just so excited to get to know our little beast. We keep thinking about how great it will be when Fozzie squeezes our finger for the first time, or how great it is that baby will know to trust us because baby has been listening to us all of this time. BABY!!
More to come on Tuesday when we find out who Fozzie is!!! Over half way to baby!
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